The Biggest Sex Mistakes: Bullshit From the Experts

Have you ever had bad sex? Confusing sex? Sex where you weren’t sure what your partner wanted, and where you wondered why your partner wasn’t doing what you wanted? Well, the experts pretend like they have all the answers. Check out

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/20955254/ns/today-relationships/t/biggest-sex-mistakes-men-women-make/

to hear what they have to say. There is a lengthy commentary and discussion about several sex related topics like whether or not men like to cuddle, the effects of performance anxiety, and the arousal times and states of both sexes. There is one huge problem with all of this stuff, it’s all nonsense. These experts pretend like all these principles can be universalized, like there is a set of guidelines or definitions which can improve sex for any couple. Magazines like Cosmopolitan take the same approach, and it disgusts me.

Media makes us think that our partner should know exactly what we want in the bedroom, and we should know exactly what they want. They should know my likes and dislikes, and I should have a priori knowledge of their desires and preferences because they are the same as everyone else I have ever been with. Movies and television make love making seem so easy, like it will just happen naturally without any mistakes or stumbles. This is completely wrong.

The biggest mistake people make during sex isn’t anything the experts will tell you it is. The biggest mistake is a lack or fear of communication. The biggest mistake is expecting your partner to do everything right without you telling them. No two people are alike, man or woman, and no two people have the same sexual preferences.

Some men like to cuddle, and a lot of women like to just have a good fuck every now and then. Nothing is universal. I always make it a point to ask the girl if she’s enjoying herself, to ask her what she wants, to ask her if I can do anything better. For example, some women have a very sensitive clitoris that responds to slow and deliberate teasing, while others have one which responds to fast hard stroking. How are you supposed to know if you don’t ask her? You could just end up hurting her and making any future intimacy nervous and awkward. Conversely, women need to not be afraid to ask their man what comprises a good blow job. Not every man likes the same thing. Some men like a little bit of teeth, some men like their testicles played with, and still others enjoy a little bit of pain. I repeat, nothing is universal.

So the important question is why people are afraid to talk about sex. Well, I think it goes back to our fundamental fear of rejection, and men and women alike share this fear. Having sex places us in our most vulnerable state, emotionally and physically. Being completely exposed in front of another person is never easy, and it is always emotionally chaotic. It makes sense that we would be afraid of doing something wrong or being seen as weird because of something we like. This problem exists even more in the modern world where impersonal sex with one time partners is becoming more frequent. At least the confines of a relationship can provide some security which alleviates rejection anxiety a little bit. Even outside of a relationship though, it is very possible to have open communication which will lead to a much better sexual experience.

People need to talk about their sex lives, plain and simple. Granted, this is easier said than done. Try experimenting with your partner, and don’t be afraid to ask them to try new things. This is especially important if one of you is more experienced. Guide your partner through sexual experiences and adventures. Respect their boundaries, but don’t be afraid to push the line to learn about their desires and body. If you are in a loving relationship, then sexual exploration should not lead to dissolution of the relationship, even if you have fetishes or desires your partner may not share. If they are not hurt by it, they should be willing to do it to make you feel good. After all, that’s what love is. If you aren’t satisfied with your sex life, don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about it outside of the bedroom. Get coffee and address ways you think you could have better sex, or things you want to try.

You will never have perfect knowledge of what your partner wants before you get to know them, ever. There are no sexual techniques which are universally successful. Your current partner is different from your previous one, and I guarantee they do not want the same thing. Investigate their desires, and let them investigate yours. Don’t be afraid.

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