I’ve learned many lessons in my life, some with much more difficulty than others. Of all the lessons I’ve learned, how to really and truly be patient is one of the most important.
I haven’t written a relationship post in a long time, and I thought this was a good time to get back into it. My life is different now from the last time I wrote. Before, I would write about approaching women and being successful with those approaches. I would write about game and how to be good at it.
Now, I’m engaged, and my priorities are different. Being in a committed relationship, especially one that you really want to last forever, comes with its own set of challenges. With every challenge you overcome, though, you discover something new about yourself and about her that makes your relationship that much more fulfilling. I’ve faced a number of those challenges in the last 2 years, and being fortunate enough to have an incredible partner, have overcome them all. I want to start sharing the lessons from overcoming those challenges.
So let’s step out of the world of game and talk about relationships. The secrets to happiness aren’t a mystery, and they should be shared.
It’s important to define what patience is. Many people think that patience involves just putting up with things, particularly things that really and truly negatively impact you. That’s not what patience is. Patience doesn’t mean you accept destructive behaviors and negative outcomes repeatedly.
Patience, in a relationship, means not letting your emotions get in the way of moving forward. Arguments need to be resolved. Issues need to be figured out. If they aren’t, they fester like infected wounds. Let a wound fester long enough, and you lose a leg. Being patient with her means having the courage to face those arguments and those issues without fear and giving her the time she needs to do the same.
It’s alright to be angry. It’s never alright to take your anger out on her. I’m not talking about physically. Obviously, that’s never OK. I’m talking about mentally. You will inevitably do things that upset each other; it’s bound to happen. But if you make the other person, rather than the situation or action, the target of that anger, you lose sight of what really needs to be done. She isn’t your enemy. She’s your partner, and she should always be treated as such. Even if something is her fault, it doesn’t help to take your anger out on her.
Hearing what she’s saying is easy. Listening to what she’s really saying is much harder. People aren’t usually self aware. I worked very hard to reach a level of self awareness which allows me to understand myself and communicate that understanding to others. Despite all those efforts, though, I still feel things which I cannot explain and have desires I do not understand. It’s a process. Just like it’s a process for you; it’s also a process for her. She may not immediately know why she’s feeling what she’s feeling. She may not be able to articulate it. She might just need time to figure it out. Your job is to listen beyond the words and beyond the tears. Your job is to listen to what’s really going on behind what’s being said. Here’s the kicker, though. Even if you figure it out before she does, you need to give her time to come to the same realization. Be patient, and give it time. She will never understand you unless she understands herself first.
You can’t always fix it. It isn’t your job anyway. You might get caught up in trying to fix whatever you think is wrong. Men take pride in keeping their girlfriends, wives, and significant others happy. It’s often an affront to our viability as suitors if we’re unable to fix every problem. Unfortunately, you need to get away from that mentality. Sometimes, actually most of the time, you can’t do anything to make her feel better. Movies romanticize the idea that grand gestures fix everything. Reality doesn’t work that way. Sometimes you need to leave it be and let time sort it out. Negative emotions are forces. If you give them something to push against, their energy intensifies and transfers. If you don’t, then that energy will eventually dissipate. The important thing to remember is that it’s not your job to fix her, nor is it her job to fix you. You need to work through your own issues and own the process for making yourself better, and she needs to own that process for herself as well.
You should ask for what you want and not settle for anything less. At the same time, you need to give her time and space to decide if she’s able and willing to give you what you want. Asking for something like more sexual adventure in your relationship is not always easily received. Requests of your partner are always taken personally and aren’t processed in a reasonable way. That doesn’t mean these requests shouldn’t be made. If something isn’t working for you, or you want something to be different, you need to have the courage to ask for it. At the same time, you need to let her decide what her response will be, and you need to respect that response. If she can’t be happy giving you what you ask for, then you need to either reevaluate your request, or end it. It’s a tough reality to accept, but “compromise” in a relationship is not a key to success. It is a myth that perpetuates unhealthy sacrifices and unhappy lives.
Perfection is attainable. Perfection needs to be defined differently. People mistakenly think that having a perfect relationship means that both of you have everything you want. That will never happen, nor is it what perfection actually is. Having a perfect relationship means that the processes which you use to resolve conflict are perfect. Desires change, wants change, feelings change. It happens. What you need to make your relationship successful is a process that reacts efficiently and effectively. You need a process that allows your relationship to evolve, grow, and adapt with those changes without falling apart. That is true perfection. A perfect being is not one which is the strongest; a perfect being is that which has an infinite capacity to adapt to anything.
There you have it. It’s really quite a simple formula, but it does take some effort to put into place. Understand each other. Understand each other’s reactions and needs. Believe in the power of time. In so doing, you will attain perfection in your relationship. I know because I have it.